My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
