if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
