i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
His nipple licking is glorious
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