Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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