sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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