drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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