I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
