I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sober January is a disaster.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
