Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
soo... how was my night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
