I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
