I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
