I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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