My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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