Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
