I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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