The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize