apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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