i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
