I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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