Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
