what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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