Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you never un-have a 4some
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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