I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
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