I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
