please come you make the beer taste better
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
