R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
