I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
