what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
