I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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