From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
