When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
