Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
