i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
