i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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