You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
