Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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