21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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