I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
