On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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