she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
