the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
