My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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