he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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