Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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