just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
