checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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