my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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