If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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