i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
