May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
