Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
