You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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